Samsonite? I was way off!

So I've been telling everyone...seriously, everyone that my first sonogram is a week from today...Thursday the 21st. In my mind it totally was and all was good. Somehow though, reality stepped in for a bit and decided it would be Thursday SEPTEMBER 4th. Waaaaaaay different. It's been more than difficult to hold off these two weeks to find out exactly how far along I am. What's more than excruciating? Really, really ridiculously excruciating? Despite that last brain fart I really am good with words, I really did graduate with an English/Creative Writing degree and I really did teach kids how to read good and do other stuff good too....in a school at least three times the size of the one on Zoolander. Obviously. Anywho...it's been hard, ok?

So today I decided to do some expert research of my own and cross reference my symptoms with the main frame and hack into this bad boy....also, I googled. Seriously, what else was I supposed to do? So I found out from a website that looked pretty legitimate (don't judge me) that according to my symptoms (tight feeling belly, no weight gain but my pants don't button which is always cute, and mild cramping) that I am more likely about 9 or 10 weeks along right now instead of 6 or 7. Big diff. Mega big diff. This means that I seriously could be showing although only Hunter and I would be able to tell and I need to start doing certain things differently like wearing those sweet elastic banded pants.

I was trying to ignore the fact that my pants wouldn't button comfortably because I thought I was getting fat. Ha ha. Seriously though, I thought I was getting fat. But whenever I would push through the pain like a champ (because, as we all know, there is no crying in baseball...or in wearing tight pants) I would feel so nauseous I really thought I was going to throw up. For real. And not like an 'oh man I don't feel good- maybe this is not a good idea" type of sick. I mean a straight up "if I don't unbutton my pants immediately I am going to hurl all over the place". And I haven't thrown up since second grade so this is kind of a big deal. No, really, it's a big deal. My middle little sister and I have a contest. She hasn't thrown up since first grade but she is only 18 so I'm still ahead. I must win. Other than the tight pants thing, I haven't gotten nauseous so it's looking pretty good.

So back to the main thought here...I was forced to go to the mall and buy big 'ole stretchy pants. It wasn't a good feeling since I was told I am probably at the stage of pregnancy where the baby is the size of a small grape so there ain't no way I'd be showin' yet. But it has GOT to be, like I said, more along the 9 or 10 week point where my uterus (delicious word and consequently very comfortable for most guys to hear) is more like the size of a grapefruit so it's very possible I would be showing a tiny bit. Also, did you know that the Gap has a maternity line? How sweet is that? I totally ordered two pairs of jeans. They will be here next week.

So the only mall near us is Concord Mills...a big outlet mall. I went into the Gap first because of my new found exciting knowledge and asked the girl if they have maternity clothes and I kid you not, she said, "Not anymore (casually glanced down at my belly)- sorry." Wow. That was a special moment. So the only other maternity option at that mall is on the exact opposite side which is about a six day hike. After a few meals and a couple of shaves for Hunter, we found Motherhood Maternity. Now, my first big mistake was that I thought it was a regular, run of the mill maternity store. Not that I really know what that is but still. So I walk in and start wondering around because everything I see is for HUGE bellies and I am just trying to get past the, "No, I'm not fat, I'm pregnant" stage. Finally, Hunter asks, "Do you know what you are doing?" Of course I do. How dare you. So I beeline it over to a girl stocking clothes and say, "Ok. I have no idea what I'm doing." She was really helpful but I did think it was odd that she was REALLY REALLY pushing the sale stuff and not telling me anything about the regular clothes. So I listened while she told me it would be a good idea to look at last season's fall clothes to prepare for next season...wouldn't that be two seasons old at that point?...and showed me the clearance rack while she explained that almost nothing is wrong with them and there is a final sale policy for this rack. Almost nothing wrong? Wait. What? I was totally looking forward to looking totally adorable in my maternity clothes and I already feel fat because that is what I look like right now and now I feel like I'm at Goodwill. This is weird. So I ended up trying on a few things in the dressing room. One pair of dress pants actually looked pretty good...they were from the regular racks...and they didn't make me have to throw up. So I considered it a winner. At this point, any pair of pants that looks halfway decent and doesn't make me have to barf is a golden ticket to happiness. The jeans I tried on felt like cardboard and I'm pretty sure the detailing on the back pockets was picked off so I didn't get those. But I ended up with 1 pair of casual pants, two pairs of dress pants, a dress shirt and a weird tube thing that I can wear with regular jeans and leave them unbuttoned. I don't want to talk about it.

So we are checking out and the guy keeps pushing things like if I sign up for the credit card I can save this much and if I give my due date I can get coupons and blah blah blah. Geeze. They are really pushing this stuff. Just let me have a normal experience and enjoy myself- I'm not trying to nickle and dime my way to a baby. It doesn't work that way. Needless to say, he is all confused when I don't want the credit card, the coupons or the two free issues of Parenting Magazine. He tells me the total like 8 times before he swipes my card and I'm thinking that I don't really care because I am not going to walk around naked when I outgrow my clothes, am I? Seriously.

So when we get home, Hunter tosses the bag of clothes on the bed and I look at it: "Motherhood Maternity- hot fashion, hot prices" This triggers the memory of other maternity store names hanging from the ceiling all over the store that I didn't seem to notice before. So I'm pretty sure I went to the second Ross of maternity clothes. Not the first Ross where everything is normal, but the Ross after the first Ross where all the reject clothes go that used to be $48 and are now $1.20. (That's a real example, by the way.) It was really difficult to find clothes that weren't weird. And I thought I just didn't know what I was doing. That may have been true, but next time I'll try a real store. At least I have pants that won't make me throw up.