It's been a while and my eyes got fat

Ok, so it's been a while...about a month and a half since I last posted. Due mostly to messages left on my facebook, it's time to cough up the details. And oh do I have so much to tell you. I'll start with the ultrasound visit where we found out, as my grandpa puts it, if we get to buy a train set or a doll. He has been waiting about 30 years so far to buy a train set, poor guy.

So this ultrasound was at the Concord office instead of my usual Harrisburg office because my ultrasound tech is on maternity leave...which is kind of funny. Hunter, of course, came with me and we sat in the waiting room for probably about two minutes but it felt like an hour because at this point I'm still telling him how pink I am going to decorate the room and he keeps telling me that everything is going to be about footballs or something. So FINALLY they call us back and as we are walking to the ultrasound room with this person I have never seen before in my life, I ask her if I can go to the bathroom first because all of a sudden I have to pee like right now. And this is how that went...

"No."
"Wait. What? I really can't go?"
"No."
Then I pause because seriously, what am I supposed to say here?
"We can see the baby a lot better if your bladder is full."

Two things: number one, that is just cruel to a pregnant woman. Let's lay you on your back with a full bladder for about 30 minutes or so and push on your belly, mostly the part over your full, unforgiving and abused bladder. And two, I am so sure she told me no twice with no explanation. I thought it was against the law to tell a pregnant woman she can't pee. It's against my law anyway.

At this point, we are being ushered in through the doorway of the ultrasound room and there is so much anticipation between Hunter and I (mostly on who is right about the sex) that I almost feel like the baby is going to leap out of my belly, say, "I'm a _____" and pop right back on in. Surprisingly, this doesn't happen, so I heave my body up on the table and roll my pants down so a strange lady can put strange goo all over my belly and push on my bladder.

She starts probing around and, of course, finds the baby immediately. And he moves immediately. And then moves again, and again and so on. She seems surprised but I'm trying to explain to her that this always happens while trying to use adjectives like "active" so she will understand that this is just how it's going to be. Finally the baby settles down just enough so she can start pointing out things.

"You see this right here?" She points at the screen.
I'm thinking, 'Oh my gosh, that's the vagina!'
"That's the stomach."
Not even close. Then, a few seconds later...

"You see this right here?" She again, points at the screen.
I think, 'Ohhh. There's the vagina.'
"That's a kidney."
I think, 'Ok funny lady, enough with the jokes.'

She does this several more times. At this point I think I am going to explode if she doesn't hurry up and tell us what the heck it is already. Then, finally, she says. "Do you want to know what it is?" You have got to be kidding me. Now she knows and I know she knows and she hasn't said yet. What a tease.

We both said "Yes" so quickly and with probably a bit too much force that I think we scared her. Then she types on the screen, "It's a" and stops. "Are you sure you want to know?" I am seriously going to freak out at this point. She smiles, like this is supposed to be fun or something and finishes typing so now the screen reads, "It's a boy!" I see the letter 'b' and start crying immediately. I think Hunter said, "Yes!" but I'm not really sure because at this point I'm a bit delirious because she has been hardcore pushing on my bladder for about 20 minutes, teasing me with information I have wanted since I found out I was pregnant, and my little girl is now a little boy which makes me have to rethink things. I immediately feel like I should start eating a steak or something. I have no idea what to do with boys. But of course, I'm totally thrilled. I just don't know what to do with a boy.

Ok, so equally as great as finding out that I was right all along and it's totally a boy....after I wiped the goo off my belly and heaved myself off the table...I head right for the bathroom. Being that this office is full of pregnant women, the bathroom is occupied. Of course. I'm waiting, and glance to my right to see a doctor on the phone in the hallway. I glance at his name badge and guess what it says folks? Dr. Beaver. OH MY GOSH. I totally ran in to Dr. Beaver on the day of the best ultrasound of my entire pregnancy. What perfect day.

And now for part two....

I had a routine eye appointment the other day because my contacts ran out and my prescription was up and since I've gotten used to seeing, this is what must be done. It was a new eye doctor because I haven't been since we moved to Harrisburg. Naturally, I look up the closest doctor in the health care provider's directory and book the appointment there.

Have you ever seen the first Men in Black with Will Smith? You know the part where he is being 'tested' to work for the government and he has to answer questions in that chair that looks like a giant egg? And everything is all awkward and he drags that table across the room and it screeches the entire way? This is pretty much what it was like to fill out my paperwork at my eye doctor's office. But instead of a huge room, it was tiny (I don't know how my belly and I both fit in the waiting room). And instead of pulling a table across the room to write on because there wasn't a table or room enough to pull anything across anything, I got to sit in a chair with arms that came up to the middle of my upper arm. This meant that the clipboard and my arms couldn't both fit in the bounds of the chair at the same time (and I felt like a midget) so I got to rest the clipboard on one of the decorative knobs of the arm of the chair. Have you ever tried to balance a marble on the tip of a pen? That is pretty much what it was like.

While I am struggling to fill out my family medical history, the lady I gave my insurance card to comes into the waiting room (well, really halfway in the waiting room and halfway in the back part) and places my card on my lap and lets me know she is done with it. Are you kidding? That couldn't have waited another two minutes? So now I am trying to avoid letting the card fall off my lap because I can't really pick things off the floor with much ease or grace these days and balance the rotating clipboard while trying not to write like a five year old.

The rest of the visit was normal except after she sized me for my contacts, she told me that the curve of my eyes had changed. Considering I stopped growing sometime in late middle school, I thought this was odd and gave her an appropriately puzzled look.

"Well...you are pregnant, aren't you?"

Up until this point there had been no mention of the bun in the oven whatsoever. Not by the doctor, not by the receptionist. Which is odd, because at this point I am so obviously pregnant (I mean I had to heave myself out of that terrible chair when the doctor came to get me) that nearly everywhere I go people are constantly asking when my due date is and the like. So for about half a second, I stare at her and respond with a, "Yes?". It really did sound like I was questioning myself because this was such an odd question for the enormity of my belly.

Then she went on to explain that this can happen when you are pregnant because of all the hormones and basically my eyes have swollen a bit but not that I would have noticed and it should go back to normal about 6 months after I give birth. That, to me, seems like an incredibly long time to have fat eyes. So now I have shrunken brain cells and fat eyes. What the heck. And if I haven't told you about the brain cell thing, I will now because I can't remember because apparently they are shrunken.

I read in "What to Expect When You Are Expecting" that somewhere around the start of your pregnancy, some of your brain cells will shrink and expand back the the normal size about 6 months after you give birth. I don't remember why and I don't remember which cells because mine are small now. All I know is this seems like kind of an important time to have fully functioning brain cells at their full and proper size.

And, when I was leaving, I heard the receptionist typing. On a typewriter. A real one. Like 'tick tick tick tick tick, ding! The end.